When in college, I was a business minor, and although I had read the book already (twice), this book was part of our course cirriculum: 

Don't let the cover fool you as a self-help nonsense book full of fluff.  It outlines many common-sense scenarios which most of us may already realize, but if you are truly set on becoming a better communicator, and really practice implementing the theories in this book, you will see significantly noticable changes in your daily interactions.  Because I believe in this book so strongly (which has stood the test of time and was originally published in 1937 and is still a best seller) then I have chosen to work from the chapter summary outline of this book and tie it into the everyday life of a software developer.

Note:  Let me preface this list of guidelines to say that they are all important, and easily achievable.  The real challenge, however, is doing them sincerely, honestly, and with good character.  It is easy to fake or feign interest, or give passing compliments for your own benefit, but to do so with honest, true intentions is the best path to success.

 

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

 

1.  Don't critcize, condemn or complain.

We all probably work with someone who has a habit of complaining, codemning others or complaining.  If you do not, you may wonder if you yourself are that person.  Every office has someone who fits this bill.  Do you enjoy working with this person?  Probably not.

Most people will not critisize themselves, and when you critisize or condemn other people it is going to make them defensive or resent you.  Most people believe they were right, or that their intentions were right, and faulting them for doing that is going to help your cause.  If you want someone to change their behavior, try using a more positive (instead of a negative) approach.  More on that later.

2.  Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Did you enjoy being recognized when you were young for a great school project by your parents and peers?  How about now, do you feel as though when someone compliments your work that you are even more motivated and energized and it really gives you a great feeling?  Why not pass that feeling on to someone else.   If you see an outfit you like that someone is wearing and you truly like it, let them know.  If you see a block of code, or a design, or a well written email, and you sincerely believe it was well done, don't hesitate to let that person know how well you thought it was executed.  Be careful to use honest and sincere appreciation however, as the title implies, because most people can easily recognize someone who is pandering or fake.

3.  Arouse in the other person an eager want.

As a developer, or engineer, who manages other resources you are often tasked to delegate work to others.  One secret to the success of those who can do this well, are the ones who can inspire others to want to do what they are tasked to do.  If you can do this geniunely and sincerely you are a step above the rest.

 

Six Ways to Make People Like You

 

1.  Become genuinely interested in other people.

You will make more friends in a month by becoming interested in the things that are interesting to that person, than you will in a year trying to have other people become interested in what interests you.  Let me say that one more time -  You will make more friends in a month by becoming interested in the things that are interesting to that person, than you will in a year trying to have other people become interested in what interests you.  There are so many activities, interests, and hobbies out there, and every person is different.  If you value friendships, then it is important to have an open mind and be willing to experience new things.  Who knows, you may find that you are just as interested as the person you are trying to become friends with.

2.  Smile

Having a bad day?  Just smile.  Honestly, if you are reading this put a big cheeky grin on your face.  Did it make you laugh?  Something about smiling almost psychologically forces people into a better frame of mind.  I'm reminded of the cell phone commercial where the guy is walking around having a phone conversation and has a geniune smile on his face.  Others see this and it puts them in a good mood also.  It's a perfect representation of what it is all about.  Even if you are talking on the phone yourself and smiling when doing so, you could expect your vocal inflection and attitude to change and ultimately you will have better phone conversations with those on the other end of the line even though they can't see your face. 

3.  Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

A person's name is the most important word to that person, in any language.  I struggle with this myself, but I know when someone remembers my name, I feel a stronger connection to that person.  I could comment on this more, but the principal is pretty straightforward and I believe most people are aware of this.  It is an important skill, and there are many tricks out there to remember someones name.  I recommend doing your best, and simply repeating the persons name when they introduce themselves to you out loud to confirm you got it right.

4.  Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Sometimes, I'm not all that interested when others are talking about themselves.  I'll be honest, there are a lot of selfish people out there.  At the same time though, I realize, that people are generally mostly interested in themselves, and likely don't want to hear about me.  Sure, people will ask me what is going on in my life, and encourage me to talk, and I willingly discuss that information, but I also recognize that by asking open ended questions, and encouraging the other person to talk, I am learning more about that person and I can benefit from that.

Henry Ford (or Charles Shwab, I can't remember) said that he felt every person was his superior in some way.  When you are encouraging others to talk about themselves, think about how you could use that persons life experiences or interests to work to your benefit.  If someone is talking a lot about cars, or finance, then you know you could note that and come back to that person when you have a concern that involves a car or finance.  It works to your advantage to get other people to talk about themselves.

5.  Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

Steven Covey, the author of the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" talks in his book about the principal of win-win.  Basketball and football are win-lose sports, and fighting with a spouse is a lose-lose (trust me, haha), but with the principal of win-win, you are finding something that will work for you, but at the same time, it will benefit the person you are working with.  Most people, in all honesty, are not that concerned with what is important to you.  If you can, however, think of ways to accomplish your goal, and explain how that goal is going to benefit the person you are working with as well, then you are on the right track for a win-win situation.

6.  Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Every person in some way, has a superior talent, ability, or knowledge that I do not possess.  If I can find a way to channel that resource into the projects I am working on then it is to my advantage to do so.  In the process of doing that, I also call attention to the fact that this person is an important team member.

 

Win People to Your Way of Thinking

 

1.  The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

The best way to win an argument is to avoid it.  See how long an argument lasts when you agree with someone.  "You were wrong, I can't believe you did that!".  "You're right, that was inconsiderate of me, I apologize".  Done!  Even if you feel were you in the right, try to see the reason for that person's frustration from their point of view, welcome a new perspective, and do your best to stay calm.  You could even repeat, after listening to their thoughts, how you are hearing what they are saying just to be sure you understand.  Often times we get in arguments just because of what we believe that person is saying, not what they are actually saying. 

2.  Show respect for the other person's opinions.  Never say, "you're wrong."

There right ways and wrong ways to disagree with someone.  We all have differences be it religion, politics, or even patterns/practices for design or coding.  What may be right for us may not be right for someone else.  Just try to be understanding and put yourself in the other persons shoes and try to see their point of view.  If you still feel you are right, then be patient and calm and say 'I have to respectfully disagree with you' and then follow through on your comment and be respectful about your disagreement.

3.  If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

If you are wrong about something, just admit it.  Pride is not a valuable trait, it is a detriment.  The worst thing that could happen to admitting you were wrong, is that you would have to lose some of your pride.  Is that such a bad thing?  It may make you a more humble person, and I personally would be ok with that.  This goes along with the best way to avoid an argument also.  The sooner you admit your mistake, the sooner you can move forward to correct and rectify the situation and not spend any more needless energy on defending yourself.

4.  Begin in a friendly way.

I live my life under the motto - 'everyone is my friend until they give me a reason not to be'.  By doing that, when I meet someone for the first time, I treat them as if I had been friends with them for some time.  I find it helps me become friends with, and collaborate with the person, in a much more effective way faster than if I had been passive about it.

5.  Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

You will often find yourself having negotiations and meetings where not everyone agrees with you.  Surprising?  I know, I never thought anyone would disagree with me! (haha).  Sometimes when you are having a disagreement you need to find yourself focusing on the things both of you agree on.  Start with the most fundamental principals that you strongly agree on and work your way outward.  Try to get the other person to follow your train of thought.

6.  Let the other person do the great deal of the talking.

People enjoy talking about what is important to them.  It's not that some people are more selfish than others, I think everyone deep down has a desire to feel important, and talking about themselves helps them to feel important.  When you become an active listener, you find out more information about the people around you, what makes them tick, what is interesting to them, and how to communicate more effectively with them.  The more you know about a person the better off you will be at communicating with them, and the more you listen, the more you learn.

7.  Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

One of the worst things that happens in business is people who take credit for someone elses idea.  You will find that if you champion and support others around you and encourage them to pursue their ideas and let others know that the idea was theirs, then you are going to find those people are more passionate about their work and enjoy their job a great deal more than someone who is always looking for the latest idea to pawn off as their own.

8.  Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

Not only in work, but also in your personal life, and especially during a dispute, one of the most effective ways to communicate effectively is just to take a step back, relax, and think about where the other person may be coming from.  Try to picture yourself in their position.  A great deal of the time, people are often so narrow minded, and not really understanding the motives that person has, to even consider that they may be arguing over something they don't understand.

9.  Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

If someone is upset, try to understand where they are coming from and validate those concerns.  Work with them and sympathize to their concerns and be honest about how you feel the best way to solve the issue is.  If you show a geniune conern and show compassion people will know they can trust you.

10.  Appear to nobler motives.

Most people have two reasons for doing something.  One that sounds good, and the real reason.  In all things that you do, try to stick to the one that sounds good as often as possible.

11.  Dramatize your ideas.

As part of the scientific it is difficult to put our ideas in terms everyone can understand.  Doing things like providing a presentation, or visually (graphic, sketch, chart) showing someone will help you get your ideas across. 

12.  Throw down a challenge.

It is important to challenge those around you.  I feel better about a project I am working on when I feeling I am learning something new and being tasked to do something that hadn't been done before, or perhaps even that someone doesn't feel I could.  When you provide opportunities for people to prove themselves to you, and support them when they do, you will go along way.

 

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

 

1.  Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

If you are going to critisize someone, and have a very legitimate reason to do so, it is important to also bring attention to what you feel the person does do well.  Nobody wants to feel like a failure, so be sure to point out what they do well. 

2.  Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

There are plenty of ways to demonstrate to someone that which they are doing incorrectly in a polite and indirect way.  The best way to do this is to be an example for others to model themselves after.   If they see you behaving in a way which produces positive results, they will model themselves after you.

3.  Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

If you are doing a code review, or reviewing a design, you may notice a lot of beginner mistakes.  Some may not be beginner mistakes, and may be more glaring mistakes.  Before you jump on the chance to critisize this individual, think about all the mistakes you have made in the past.  Yes - "those" mistakes.. haha.  We have all made mistakes in our past, and nobody is immune to doing so.  Try to relate based on the given situation and provide feedback on how you overcame that challenge.

4.  Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Nobody wants to feel like they are being bossed around.  Would you rather someone say to you "Kyle, change those TPS reports to the new layout", or "Hey Kyle, what do you think about those new TPS report layouts?  Aren't they better than the old ones?  I bet these reports would look great with the new layout".  This approach gets the other person saying "yes, yes" right away, makes them feel it was their idea, and also asks them indirectly to do something.

5.  Let the other person save face.

If you have to critisize someone, even if you feel they were wrong, it is always something you can do in private, not in front of their peers.  Individuals are often asked to leave a company instead of being fired.  There is a strategy to this.  It lets the other person not feel like a failure, and it also shows you are compassionate to care enough about them, even when you are upset.  They will respect you more for it.

6.  Praise the slightest improvement and priase every improvement.  Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

Positive reinforcement is infinately more effective than negative reinforcement.  I believe most of us understand this already however few of us actually apply it.  It is not something which is easy to do, however if you look for those golden moments, when there is a great time to give praise or sincere appreciation, and follow through on it, then you will be appreciated for it.  Of course, this can backfire if you are not geniune in your approach and make you appear like a jerk, so please be careful when giving praise to not appear false/fake.

7.  Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

Showing others you respect their abilities, think they are capable of achieving great things, is going to encourage that other person to live up to the standard that has been set.  It boils down to just believing in the teammates you work with.  You actually challenge those you work with by holding them to believe they are capable of what you believe they are capable of.

8.  Use encouragement.  Make the fault seem easy to correct.

It's not wether you get knocked down, it is wether you get back up again.  We all make mistakes, sometimes critical ones.  Use the points above and encourage the person you are working with to move forward and to know that we have all had some stumbling blocks in the past, but those experiences make us stronger.